K-Y Thinks Your Vagina Smells Funny

Let’s just get this out of the way…I’ve been watching TLC for 4 hours.

As a result, I’ve seen a lot of ads tonight. One for K-Y “Yours+Mine Couples Lubricant” caught my attention. Just what exactly would be the advantage of his and hers lubes? I have yet to find my lubricant to be just too masculine for me. Would I have better orgasms if I pumped pearlescent lube from a more feminine dispenser? What makes a lube his or hers anyway?

Drugstore.com cleared that mystery right up for me. The products are identical with the exception of a few important ingredients. “His” has the added advantage of honey and sucralose, presumably to improve flavour. The special additive in “Hers?” Parfum. Straight up ladies, K-Y thinks your business stinks. But if you’re feeling peckish, they’ve got somethin’ honey flavoured all lined up. I wonder what happens if you accidently use His? Do you have to fend off the advances of Winnie the freaking Pooh?

There has been an influx of these gimmicky drugstore products in recent years, and in my experience, they have all been miserable failures. While I can appreciate how taking vibrators and lubricant out of the porn stores and into the family planning aisle might work to normalize these essentials, I have found the drugstore options to perform poorly.

Let’s take for example, Durex’s past contributions to these saucy drugstore items. Durex carries a line of products under the “Play” banner, including their “Tingling” lube. It turns out, that tingle comes courtesy of spearmint. It didn’t tingle so much as burn with a minty vengeance. To recreate this sensation at home, simply masturbate with toothpaste.

Then there is that vibrating ring. When the ads for this first came out, I was psyched. Finally, a cheap, hands-off means of buzzing myself off during sex. But this little guy doesn’t have enough buzz in it to do shit. Not only does it vibrate feebly, mocking you in its useless pink bullet; but without resting consistently where it needs to be, it can’t remain in one spot long enough to get the job done. According to the description, the buzz lasts 20 minutes. I’m sure you’re more likely to have stomped on the godamn thing than gotten off on it in that time.

Is it possible that these drugstore alternatives have the potential to normalize formerly taboo “marital aids?” I support any movement that makes it normal and desirable to walk into Shopper’s and leave with a bag full of vibrating goodies. But with such poor execution, these options are definitely not preferable to anything I’ve gotten elsewhere. And with a company like K-Y telling me that my junk stinks and I should eagerly lap up my boyfriend’s, I’m pretty sure I won’t trust any future contributions. It seems to me that even though it might be more expensive and inconvenient to hit up classy adult store or website, the superior quality is a whole lot more satisfying.